The 2018 season felt like it would never come. Since the giant diaper man took office last year, time has ground to an absolute halt as he demands everything in American culture revolve around him so he can chew it up and spit it out in our dumb faces. But all that is over now that football is back in our dumb faces! Woo!
Falcons @ Eagles: This game sucked! The Eagles and their fans have, with a lone Super Bowl victory to their credit, surpassed the Pats and their fans as the most insufferable fanbase on planet earth. They booed the Eagles off the field to end the first half. Of course, they kind of had every reason to. The Eagles managed ONE YARD OF TOTAL OFFENSE in the first quarter and looked like they were going to eventually be routed by their arch rival bird team. Despite Julio Jones’ best efforts, the Falcons choked the game away (what else is new) and now the Eagles are 1-0 and their greasy police humping fans can pretend all is right for another week. This is every single one of you:
Jaguars @ Giants: As a Giants fan, this one stung. However, I’m pretty hopeful for the season! OBJ showed up and played really well and the defensive backs were pretty damn good, too – Janoris Jenkins, unfazed by his brother killing someone a couple months ago, almost had two picks and Eli Apple made a few really great plays. The O Line needs to get its shit together (what else is new), but there’s a lot of new dudes and I’m fairly confident they’ll pull it together. Especially since they’re blocking for this monster:
WELCOME TO THE NFL, @SAQUON!
1st TD of his career!
— NFL (@NFL) September 9, 2018
Despite a shitty first half, Saquon looks pretty fucking good. My favorite part about this game was Ronde Barber shitting on Tiki from the booth. Tiki just CANNOT stop talking about all the shit he talked in ’06-’07 (link is behind a paywall.) Motherfucker, Sit. Down. Enough outta you.
Steelers @ Browns: I caught the end of this one after my precious Giants took their L. I really liked watching this year’s Hard Knocks and obviously the Browns have nowhere to go but up. It is endlessly entertaining that they’re taking the longest possible way to get there. This team is cursed. Obviously you don’t go 1-15 and then 0-16 without some bad luck, but they really had the shit end of the stick the last two years. In 2016 they lost five games by six points or less (three of which were by three points or less) and last year they lost SIX games by six points or less. Two good Browns stats:
They have not won a game on a Sunday since December 13, 2015 since their lone victory in 2016 was on a Saturday.
The Browns are +5 in takeaways today. Since the Browns returned to the NFL, teams with a turnover margin of +5 or better in a game are 132-4-1. The Browns are responsible for two of those losses and the tie.
— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) September 9, 2018
At least the fans are happy!
Browns win, 21-21. pic.twitter.com/LeMIqqcKp2
— Don Van Natta Jr. (@DVNJr) September 9, 2018
Bears @ Packers: The Bears are a real team again! Kahlil Mack went and put the entire NFC North on notice by decimating Aaron Rodgers. A sack, a forced fumble (and the recovery) and a pick six. In the first half. Jon Gruden is a complete and utter moron.
The only thing that could have made this game better is if Chris Collinsworth could’ve removed Aaron Rodgers’ penis from his mouth for five or more seconds at a time. Yes, it was an incredible comeback. Yes, he did it with a bum leg, but Jesus H. Christ, Chris, have some dignity. The pack made a Bellichikian adjustment, and the Packers and Rodgers deserve a lot of credit for it for sure. But crediting Rodgers with Davante Adam’s 75 yard TD is actually insane.
DeShone hit 'em with the KamehameKizer pic.twitter.com/KibqsCbnLy
— The Checkdown (@thecheckdown) September 10, 2018
Sorry I couldn’t pick one:
KHALIL MACK PICK-6!
— NFL (@NFL) September 10, 2018
Fantasy Pimp of the Week: Obviously it’s Tyreek Hill with 42.3 points, 169 yards, two TDs receiving plus a 91 yard punt return for TD. Alvin Kamara scored .9 more fantasy points, but Tyreek did all this:
Tyreek Hill is the best big play player in the NFL. pic.twitter.com/4mR7ubjIkz
— Field Yates (@FieldYates) September 9, 2018
Tyreek Hill now has multiple 50+ yard TDs less than 10 minutes into Week 1 pic.twitter.com/Fs8KkdOq85
— Ian Hartitz (@Ihartitz) September 9, 2018
Tyreek Hill is ready to take over the NFL this yearpic.twitter.com/fYULKfKTaH
— NFL Retweet (@NFLRT) September 9, 2018
IN THE FIRST QUARTER!
That’s all for now. I’m pulling for the Lions and the Rams tonight. I expect a complete and utter meltdown for the Raiders after everyone on their team just watched their former best player torture the Packers in prime time.
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